This is a post for all of the General Mills/Kellogg’s industrial engineers and VP’s of distribution out there who read my blog.
Yes, every one of you.
So here’s a good idea that I felt compelled to share with you, for your great financial and personal benefit. You know how by the time the Raisin Bran gets to my house and I open it, all the raisins have sifted to the bottom, so the first bowl is almost all Bran and the last few bowls should be called “Raisin Milk”? (Of course you do; this is your job. And of course it’s the bane of your industry as the complaints flood in by the twos and threes.)
I know, I know. Contents may settle during shipping. It’s technically right, and legally protective, but not really satisfying for anyone, except maybe a raisin whose dark and cellophane-wrapped life may be extended by a few days. So anyway, here’s your long-awaited solution: Get the dudes in the warehouse to put the cereal boxes into the big shipping boxes upside down.
Yes, sir/ma’am. I did say upside down. Now follow closely:
As the boxes are shipped, all the raisins will settle – to the top!! See, because the boxes are upside down (see above), gravity will actually reverse itself in the limited field of the inside of the box, and pull the raisins to the top of the box. It sounds complicated, but feel free to try it on your own at home and observe the astounding results. The sugar-dusted raisins will be sitting at the top of the box, grinning wrinkled-ly at you.
OK, here’s the amazing part. When the bag boy/part-time stocker at Publix/Harris Teeter/Market Basket/organic hippy store opens the big box, all the Raisin Bran boxes will be upside down (see above). Then, as any thoroughly trained store employee will do he will (without any prompting or special effort on your part to interfere with unionized labor) turn the boxes right-side up, and put them on the shelf. Perhaps the fleeting thought may occur to him, “Gee, that’s strange. The Raisin Bran is upside down again this week! I sure am glad this doesn’t happen with the Lucky Charms! They’re my favorite.”
But no matter to you, fearless innovator. What consequence will a few mind-numbed and sugary-cereal-soaked teenagers’ opinions be to your own Raisin Bran empire when, lo and behold, the boxes as they are arranged on the shelf, spontaneously begin to re-settle in the opposite direction! As they are set up, knocked off the shelf, put back on, and then dumped in someone’s cart, moved over the conveyor belt to the mysterious scanner-laser, packed in the car and taken for a very bumpy ride home on those terrible New England roads, the raisins, now subjected to ordinary earth gravity, will begin to settle into place. (As we all know, bran flakes are resistant to any form of gravity, earthly or otherwise.) In fact, the longer they move around, the more normal will be the distribution, and the more even the bran-to-raisin ratio throughout your scrumptious product. This amazing normalization process will continue to function even long after the box has been opened.
The above plan requires only minimal training of factory workers on your part. The astounding laws of physics (and the unwitting bag-boy) will take care of the rest! Imagine the happy smiles of your newly euphoric customers as they pound raisins into their faces, getting instant satisfaction out of the first bowl of delicious processed fiber and dried fruit.
But wait! There’s more, so hang on before you send out that inter-office memo that could open the door to a new era of glory in the cereal industry. If the re-settling pull of normal gravity has not reduced the box to original factory conditions by the time of consumption, note that the last bowl from the bottom your pretty purple sun-logo’d box would merely contain a little too much Bran–only making those dupes long slavishly for more Raisin-filled boxes!!! Instead of final raisin saturation, you’ve achieved the product-pusher’s dream: a wistful but insistent hunger for more of the good stuff, fulfilled only by your company’s Raisin Bran’s strong initial hit of sweet black pasty sun-withered goodness.
The side benefits–to your career, marriage, and lately tarnished self-image–in realizing a triumph over the forces of physics that have so long been your own cruel masters, can hardly be overestimated.
Enjoy your new life, and when you make it huge, remember the little people who got you to that nice corner office with the cushy chair.
