So I was watching X-men for the sixth or seventh time a few nights ago, while my wife was hanging out with her chick friends in the other room. And I may not be the world’s biggest X-men expert. OK, I am definitely not the world’s biggest X-men expert.
But how about Wolverine’s claws? Where do they go when they retract? If they only go back right beneath his knuckles then there’s no way he could bend his wrists. He would be Stiff-Wrist Logan, the Canadian Mystery Guy. Think about all the things you couldn’t do with adamantium wrists. Like play the fiddle or deal cards in a smooth and attractive manner, or chip. (As in golf.) Or hold out your hand in the universal gesture for “stop”. He would just be giving the sign for “I punch you in the face” or “I poke you in the throat”, which would make directing traffic awkward and give him a bad reputation. Come to think of it, how would he arrange his hair in that swirly horn pattern without some repeated circular wrist action and a lot of product?
Or if they retract all the way into his forearms, he has to make sure his wrists are straight when he extends them or they would poke through the wrong spot in his hands. Even with instant healing powers that would get annoying over time.
And cyclops. OK, what’s the advantage of having laser eye beams if you have to use your hand to make it fire? That’s like just carrying around a laser gun, which any storm trooper or GI Joe cartoon character can replicate. Or it’s more like a laser gun that is attached to your face all the time. Gunhead McGee is what they’d call you in school, and you couldn’t do anything about it because if anyone ended up with a laser hole in their chest, you know who they’d blame every time.
And why doesn’t Rogue steal her own powers when she touches herself? And why are Storm and the frog tongue guy just all-around lame?
Don’t get me wrong; I believe we could all use some gratuitous genetic mutation that would bestow amazing powers or double jointed-ness in our knees and elbows, or the instinctive mastery of the semi-colon. I just think the creators could think through the implications of some of the mutants they invent.
For example, you could invent a guy named Plastic-Face Alan. His face looks regular, but it’s genetically really plastic. So in addition to being able to change his face into whatever he wants it to look like, he could also absorb any face-punch ever, and trap your fist in liquid face-plastic. That’s a double payoff for a single mutation, which is exactly the kind of thing we need to be working towards here.
Okay. As something of a comic book expert–it’s my cousin’s fault, by the way–I have a few details that I seriously need to explain…
1. Wolverine’s adamantium claws retract into his forearms. He is also over a hundred years old–plenty of time to master the retraction, by the way–and he originally had bone claws that were much shorter (though no less lethal). These bone claws were replaced during the “Weapon X” project, which you can catch a glimpse of in the second X-Men movie, when Logan went bonkers. Also, his name isn’t really Logan. He is the son of a Canadian aristocrat and had several allergies and illnesses when he was very young, but that all changed when he hit puberty and his powers kicked in. He doesn’t remember any of this, of course, because his mind also has an amazing ability to heal from trauma, just like his body does. His heals by filing the trauma so deeply into his subconscious that not even Professor X can find it. So that’s why he doesn’t even know his real name. The first time his bone claws extended, he attacked, in self-defense, the man who had shot his father and who was about to shoot him. The trauma of watching his father get shot, of killing another man, and of realizing that he was a freak with bone claws was so great that “Logan” had to use his mutant powers to heal his mind. This all happened instinctively, much like we start healing the instant we get a cut on our fingers. As for Wolverine’s hair…that’s all natural, I guess. Like, some people have naturally curly clurly hair and some people…look like Wolverine. (Lame explanation, I know. But his mutant powers are animalistic.)
2. In the UPDATED version of Cyclops, Scott has a control for his visor in his glove. That way, he can activate his laser beam eyes without ever touching the visor. (What can I say? Hollywood is behind the times.)
3. In the comic book, Storm is NOT lame. She’s actually seriously literally pretty cool. And she beat Cyclops for leadership of the X-Men after Professor X wasn’t around.
4. The reason Hollywood made Wolverine so cool and Storm so lame is because Wolverine has always been the most interesting, and most mysterious, character. (Much like TheNorEaster of Blog-Land. Heh.) And Hollywood has finally learned that what has been working in comics for, well, 75 years in Superman’s case and a mere 40 years in Wolverine’s case, is what makes comic book movies work as well. And the first Wolverine movie is coming out soon (this summer, I think).
5. So. There you go. From one comic book geek to another (wanna-be) geek! Heh.
I love superhero movies. Any of them. And I don’t like this post. Not one bit.
Where’s your adventure? Where’s your sense of fun? Did you lose your imagination?
Here’s to X-people: Live long and, like Brain, do everyday what you did yesterday. Try to take over the world.
i’m disappointed.
this is what you were dangling before us as an alternative to mandy’s blog? a post about x-men??? c’mon, drew. you’re gonna have to do better than that if you want to out-stat your wife.
and you should know: mandythompson.com was my first stop this morning!
Umm.
Wow. Yeah. I love the X-men. I’ll say, I never really thought about where Wolverine’s Claws wnet, but I always just kind of rolled with the idea that it didn’t matter. And Cyclops doesn’t HAVE to use his hands to fire the laser.. It’s only if he’s using that stupid eye cover crap Professor X gave him. In the comic, he lost that thing once and it didn’t turn out to hot. He pretty much just opened his eyes to shot, but then he couldn’t aim.
A lot of what X-men tries to explain is…. Genetic mutation can be somewhat of a curse.. And that’s what Prof. X is there for, to help you through it.
OH.. and the only real power Rogue has is stealing others powers. Her strength, and flight came from stealing peoples powers…. too much…. weird I know.
Ok.. I just pretty much owned the dork factor.. Anway… I’ll read your blog… I don’t normally read Mandy’s, but Tam put a link up today, so I imagine you’ll get some love. Put up a post about something for girls.. that way they’ll stay long enough to get to know you.
hehe. later bro.
Now you’ve got to RESPOND to the comments to get MORE stats and MORE comments, Drew! Trust me on this, I mess it up all the time!
(And get me outta moderation, will ya?)
Pandering to the masses is left to other people that live in my house. I don’t even know what you mean about moderation.
Hmph. Well, I think I’m going back OVER THERE just to laugh at what she did to you in the photograph. I totally do NOT feel welcome here at all.
(What can I say? I never was “one of the guys”.)
Ok, it’s not my fault! Tam tricked me into going to Mandy’s blog today. But I won’t go back, and I’ll visit here many times! Us bros gotta stick together. Plus I gave you a link in today’s post.
X-men rock. I think the new Wolverine movie will go a long way toward explaning where Wolverine came from. Looks like he’s still wearing the same shirt. Don’t mutants do laundry?
I love the XMen. I think I’d like a cool super power (but not one that keeps me from being around normal people).
I love the X-Men too. However, I did not expect a post trying to understand them as the “lure away from Mandy” post. Just sayin’
TheNorEaster, I’m glad you explained all that for the masses. Don’t leave poor Drew. He needs someone to help him out today.
As for Storm, I was going to say that she is very much not lame if you go outside the movie, but that was covered already.
Rogue I always kind of liked, too. Not so much in the movie though. I thought that actress would have made a better Jubilee, but that may be going over you head.
As for Mandy’s blog, I uh haven’t checked it, exactly. Um, I have a reader see and it pulls her post so, um, I don’t think it effects stats? But there are comments there… Tempting comments. So, I may have to accidentally click.
I mean, seriously, are blog-jealous of her stats? If you are, then um, and please don’t take this personally, but um post more than once every 2 months. Just a suggestion…
I came.
I began to read.
I stopped reading.
X-MEN!!! You want to woo Mandy’s readers with X-MEN!?!?!
Not gonna happen.
I’m gone.
This is (not) good y’all… Whenever his comments peak into the double-digits, he refuses to blog for months.
Keep ‘em coming!
wow, i come to support your stats…but i can’t say that i’m all that impressed with the choice of post…sorry to say that i may be the cause of your stat issue???
never the less i am boycotting today in your honor…and because she didn’t post a music monday…
so, i’m commenting on your blog, but i’ve only looked at mandy’s in my google reader. does that mean we can all still be friends?
Being a Superman fan, I must be prone to simple alien plot lines. But X-men DOES intrigue me, especially as they try to complicate the characters into more human-like folks like you and I (no doubt the new WATCHMEN movie will put to shame other comic-moviemakers, who have attempted this before).
Drew, I think you’re on to a lot of insights, primarily that the X-trilogy has lame-ified some things. The issue I think is that there are simply TOO MANY characters to make intriguing, or build up their storylines. My disappointments in the whole trilogy are as follows (with 1-3 movie in parentheses):
1) Archangel could have been cooler (#3)
2) Iceman (Bobby) never did his cool ice-slider thing (#1-3)
3) Rogue (never did much of anything) except wimp out (1-3)
4) No Gambit (1-3) …but apparently he’ll be in the upcoming Wolverine movie.
5) Nightcrawler disappeared from #2 to #1. You’d think in a big end-all battle you’d have everyone. (including Sabertooth and Frog-guy (both in #1 only))
Positives
1) Mystique was pretty cool. (but you never know that she is Nightcrawler’s (#2) mom!)
2) The Magneto story (opening scene in #1) and the Holocaust survivor perspective. Good story stuff.
3) Beast (3) … who would have through Kelsey Grammer could be THAT guy?
4) The movie was not afraid to “end” characters. Sometimes you gotta say goodbye.
Maybe more later…since I have all of this free time.
But think. He retracts the claws, bends his wrist…it breaks. His healing ability will fix that automatically. It probably happens several times a day, but it’s now second nature for his system to repair…just like the skin heals over from the exit wounds.
I love Xmen.
Hi Drew. Come on over to the Twitter now. It’s time.
I’m with you Drew. Not on the not visiting http://www.mandythompson.com but on the whole X-Men / superheroes power inconsistencies. Take invisibility. Once someone goes invisible they should be blind. There no lens to refract light and there’s no retina upon which to project a refracted image. You can’t have you’re cake and eat it too.
And Superman’s clothes?! I mean I’ve seen ‘em survive a nuclear blast! Its like the clothes are made out of dead supermen skins.
And when the bionic man reaches out to stop a car with his bionic arm, why doesn’t the whole arm get ripped right off? After that happened a couple of times he would learn his limitations and not try to out stat his mate. Futile.
What about the “new” mutants on NBC’s “Heroes”? Is anyone still watching that? We watched the first season and really enjoyed it and then all of it became a fog. Can you dissect those characters for us Drew?
Now that you’re done with school for a little bit you should build up some posts. Then you can schedule postings and be better at bringing in the traffic.
And I can’t believe my husband hasn’t added his two cents here yet. Justin!?? Are you out there!??!
Rick, dude. The bionics are integrated into Col. Steve Austin’s biology. So when he stops a car, the bionic arm gives him the strength to do it while the integrated nerves assimilate to the proper impact frequency to aborb the shock.
And Superman’s clothes were only indestructable during The Golden and Silver Ages of comics. Now, they can only avoid bulletholes because his indestructabilty aura surrounds the clothes. Which is why Superman’s cape always catches fire and get so many bulletholes. (“Don’t EVER pull on Superman’s cape!” Heh.)
Invisibility doesn’t mean the ENTIRE body is invisible. It only means that the light surrounding an object, in this case Sue Storm, has been bent to create the illusion of invisibility. (Thank you, H. G. Wells!)
Geez, I really am the ONLY geek in Blog-Land!
LOL!!!!!
Y’all are great to humor him today. He nearly shed a tear when he saw how many people commented and read… (Ok. I’m exaggerating!)
But I LOVE that y’all are over here… And he’s SO much funnier than this X-Men post. For real. Y’all should scroll down and keep reading.
wuz here. And was not “there” until Thursday.
Just a test – wordpress is not behaving consistently for me
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Hmmm .. what if i do this…?
( supposed to be on About page)
‘Semi-Anonymous’
‘Embarrassed’
‘full of useless crap’
Leading to the timeless universal Question:
Why?
Why?
Why?
(as in: bother)
Do you truly feel the NEED to ensure the internet becomes even more full of useless crap – or are you just desperate for company and not wanting to feel left out while Mandy taps away giggling at the laptop?
Or was that last bit just a typical ‘throw away line’ of self-deprication you felt was de rigeur for bloggers such as yourself who would normally be above this sort of thing?
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ok – that’s weird!
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Nor, The integrated nerves assimilate to the proper impact frequency because his indestructabilty aura surrounds the ENTIRE body to create the illusion of invisibility!!
With all due respect, Dude, you gotta get out more. Seriously. You should watch Galaxy Quest with Tim Allen. Its an assignment.
And an invisible beautiful woman is the type of thing that can only happen when geeks drink too much coffee. C’mon, think about it.
Nice….
I just wanted to say, I have now been to your blog more than I’ve been to Mandy’s in at least the last 2 weeks
Just out of Curiosity….
Why is it X-MEN – and not as you have quite correctly pointed out in the post title – X-People??
Did Hollywood place females in the roles for the first time to ensure greater viewing audiences?
Or were they always there, but the Mag publishers/writers just chauvinist porkers?
And despite what Nor said about Steve ($6 million man) Austin the Laws of Physics still apply = arm getting ripped from socket or body being dragged for miles by the momentum of a speeding car, truck, etc. No amount of geek talk can alter the mathematical equalities of forces acting on masses. As for indestructability auras? – i’ll wait till i see the research papers before expressing opinion.
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Ric, DUDE, a few points to ponder…
-Most of that stuff I made up off the top of my head.
-So don’t ask me what any of it means.
-I’m funny like that.
-Every blogger “needs to get out more.”
-And I can never have too much coffee!
And this is comment #30.