Beware (I almost typed “beawre”, which might be an Olde Englishe Worde).

The frequently posted “Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work/Empleados Necesitan Levantarse Las Manos Antes de Regresar al Trabajo” is not only ineffective but was never really intended for the empleados in the primera place.

That sign is there to make you, the customer, feel better, because you think employees will read it and then wash their hands.  Here’s five reasons why that’s bologna:

1.  Anyone who doesn’t wash urine molecules or poo particles off of their hands before preparing your food is probably not the kind of person to stop and read signs, let alone obey them.

2.  Most of the time the sign is placed on the exit door, which would necessitate a u-turn to complete the requested sanitation process–again, someone who doesn’t take the effort in the first place is probably not going to turn around and walk back to the sink.

3.  This one time I saw a sign like that posted right over the sink, below the mirror, where you would only read it if you were already bent over the faucet anyway, washing your hands.  Or popping a pimple.  The best place to put these signs is in the stalls over the graphic but often creative illustrations that adorn the walls, or over the urinals where the sports page goes if it’s a quality establishment.  But they’re not there.

4.  Some of them are probably part-human part-feline mutants and they don’t like water anyway.

5.  Oftentimes these signs are accompanied by an illustrated, multi-step process for washing your hands with soap.  I saw one with over ten steps once.  I read it for fun.  While I was already washing my hands.  Signs that insult your basic capacity for simple manual tasks are not likely to be heeded.

6.  Here’s an extra one, since number 4 is not widely accepted in mainstream media.  Employees sometimes have their own commode in the back of the place and they don’t use your room to rest.

No no, faithful eaters.  That sign is for you, to make you feel better about dining in this place.  It’s placed in a spot that you’ll see if/after you cleanse yourself with the nameless pink goo.  It may also shame you into washing your own hands (and give you an illustrated guide if you forget where the soap goes), but it has nothing to do with employees.  Like the mood lighting and the little “guiltless” icon stamped next to the healthy items, it’s for you.

Beawre ye.