So recently Forbes came out with their latest list of the 400 richest Americans. They provide a brief bio of each, including the reason for their wealth.
Honestly, since I am a little tired today, I was looking for something that wouldn’t take too much work to make funny.
Bingo.
(I have only changed 3 facts in the following summary. Everything else is true.)
Enjoy some highlights:
#1–Bill Gates, whoever that is.
However, 4 of the top ten are Waltons. Contrary to popular belief, they made their money not from the wildly popular television drama set in depression-era America, but from a little known chain of stores mainly in the southern United States.
#17–Paul Allen. Cofounded Microsoft, and is now suing Apple, Facebook, Google, ebay and others. Apparently they have stolen his ideas and made some money from them that should be his. Fortunately he has no children to feed. Also invests in space travel.
#26–John Mars. Mars the candy bars, not Mars the red planet (Gates owns that). His dad invented M&M’s, and he had a horse named Snickers. Also does pet food and health food, which should make you think.
#33–Edward Johnson, whose source of wealth is listed as “fidelity”. Which got me pretty excited until I realized that’s the name of his company.
#35–Mark Zuckerberg, 26 year old Harvard dropout, owner of facebook. So stay in school, kids.
#66–John Paul DeJoria. Source of wealth is hair products and tequila. (This is not one of the facts that I changed.)
#136–James Leprino. Source listed as “cheese.”
#170–Jeremy Jacobs, “sports concessions.” Apparently peanuts don’t cost $17.00 per bag to harvest and roast.
#182–Robert Rich, “last name.”
#238–Thomas Kaplan. Got his B.A., B.S., M.A. and Ph.D. from Oxford. Leased a field in East Texas that turned out to contain 2.4 trillion cubic feet of gas. Spends his money on gold and wildcat conservation.
#252–Leandro Rizzuto, “Conair”, which I just saw recently. Nicholas Cage, lots of things blowing up. I guess it did pretty well.
#269–Anita Zucker, “chemicals”, which is apparently what they’re calling them nowadays.
Tied for #290–Jay Robert (J.B.) Pritzker, richest man in America to go by his initials.
Tied for #290–Gerald Ford, who I thought had passed away.
Tied #308–Richard Hayne, “salsa.” He must have fantastic hip motion.
Tied #308–Jean (Gigi) Pritzker, richest woman in America with a (silly) nickname.
365–Frank Fertitta, casinos and Ultimate Fighting Championship. So either people really do watch that, or his casinos are freaking awesome.
Tied #385–Tamara Gustavson, public storage. Known as “Poor Tara” and “hey get over here”, Gustavson is the butt of billionaire jokes the world over. Forced to rent mega-yachts for her soirees and to timeshare her South Pacific Island chain, she fetches coffee and cognac for the rest of the club at their annual Forbes get together.
man I miss your humor
If you guys would move here you would have all you can handle.