The #1 Drew

OK, so Google me, and you’ll quickly run across a fact of extra medium interest to you:

I am not the #1 Drew Thompson in the universe.

In fact, I am #8.  And although I don’t have any political, theatrical or even career plans as of yet, it would be nice to be in the #1 spot, in case I need it in order to get on Dancing with the Stars or become an ambassador or something.

So.  Becoming the #1 me.

My first plan was to try and increase my own internet presence, which (apart from this cultural juggernaut of a blog and some pictures of my third nipple on medical websites) is negligible.

I think you all should know that WordPress offered to help me “stand out from the crowd with a Premium theme!”  Which I thought about before I realized it was the dumbest idea ever, and also would cost money, and also I’m still in love with my almost chillingly crisp and original Redoable Lite theme (thanks, Dean J Robinson!).

Instead, I think my best option is to 1) sustain my current popularity by writing drippingly sarcastic entries at completely random intervals, 2) asking Mandy to plug me on her superblog every time I write something, and 3) quietly sabotage all other Drew Thompsons who stand in my way of total nomen-domination.

So here’s my plan to derail the top 7 Drew Thompsons in the galaxy:

1. The number 1 Drew Thompson is the China Director for the Nixon Center.  I even heard him on the radio once.  He’s big time.  He has all these papers he’s authored on China and foreign policy, including my personal favorite, “Hu’s Really in Control in China?” (Foreign Policy, 17 January 2011).  Seriously, that’s real.  So what I’m going to do is try make a pattern of his awful name pun papers (authored by, of course, Drew Thompson) and get him quietly fired or demoted.  Coming soon to the Nixon Center database:  “Japan Needs a Hiro”, “Ahmed the President of Egypt, and He Was Really Nice”, “Serb’s Up in Bosnia”, “Colombian Representatives Don’t Juan More Taxes”, “Immigrants Cross the Congo Line”, and “Germany to France:  Hans Off My Internal Affairs!”
2. Andrew Charles Thompson, San Francisco banker for Wells Fargo.   Solid, upstanding member of the community.  No embarrassing publications or anything.  Looks like the real upwardly mobile type.  Plan:  use that to my advantage, by sending him a letter from John G. Stumph, President and CEO of Wells Fargo that runs as follows:

Dear Andrew:

Last week, after I finished my morning roll in my own money, I was taking a bubble bath and looking over employee records. I noticed you and your team have been doing some really great work on that one financial project that you know about.

I congratulate you, but I must let you know that working under a nickname like “Drew” could jeopardize your future career.  People want something solid and reliable, and the name Drew conjures up images of schoolboys in dresses to me.  Nicknames are all well and good among friends, but please hereafter refer to yourself as Andrew in all public and electronic communications.  Yours truly–Stumphy.

3. and
4. are both athletes:  a baseball player in Florida and a senior LaCrosse midfielder at UVA.  Fortunately, all I have to do is wait on these guys, since the odds of their going pro or becoming famous are microscopic.  They will fade into anonymity, like my old high school football teammate, Benji Roethlisberger.
5. There is a music mixing outfit on Facebook that operates out of Umass Lowell called Drew Thompson Hooke.  They do “Studio Quality Post Production Mixing Remixing Mastering Remastering & Restoration @ College Prices” apparently.  Of course, break dance fighting would be the natural choice for any confrontation, but they are thousands of miles away.  I can’t touch them, except to note:  while  not many people at the Department of Homeland Security know it, they are in fact a terrorist sleeper cell for the Massachusetts Tea Party.  If that ever goes public, they’re gone.  Thanks, Big Brother.
6. The Number 6 Drew Thompson is an actor from Northern Ireland, and you can find him on IMDb.  For those of you who don’t recognize him, I am sure we all remember Marty from Sleeping With Prostitutes (2002), and “Delivery Guy” from Miss Conception (2008).  In thinking about this Drew, though, it’s hard for me to imagine any way to make him any less popular.  It’s going to have to come down to straight bribery here.  I will use my contacts to land him a role in the Island Player’s production of Father of the Bride, opening in March of 2011.  Condition:  you must from now on go by the stage name lyich McBigface.

That leaves only one, people.  Only one man who can stand in my way of pop culture Drew Thompson supremacy.  As we all know, it’s only a short hop from there to domination of the entire Drew moniker, and then I go to work on the other D names.

7. The last Drew Thompson fancies himself a photographer.  You can find him on Flickr.  He seems to like faces.  OK, so I was at a loss until I saw his little face label avatar thingy:
   

Jackpot.  Drew Thompson, I hereby, in the presence of both of these readers, challenge you to a moustache competition.  Person with the best stache wins.  Loser has to pretend to be the other Drew Thompson forever.  Ready, go:



 

 

 

 

 

Sucka.

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